Thursday, October 11, 2012

If I'm Honest...

If I’m honest, this past month or so has been extremely difficult. So many thoughts, feelings and emotions have been swirling through my mind and heart.

If I’m honest, there is not a day that goes by that my mind doesn’t tirelessly try to think and plan and question and problem solve. My mind can be consumed with thinking.

If I’m honest, it’s hard. Really hard.

If I’m honest, some days I have to remind myself of all of the things that I’ve experienced over the past five years--yeah, those things really happened! Some days it’s hard to believe, and other days I thank God over and over again for all of it!

If I’m honest, I feel alone. I don’t feel like anyone understands or relates. And when I’m questioned, I usually just cry because I don’t feel like I can adequately explain things and I don’t feel like people can or will understand.

If I’m honest, I’m scared! My mind immediately flashes back to March-May...when things were unbearable. When I thought I couldn’t take anymore, but things kept coming. I don’t want to walk through another valley like that again.

If I’m honest, I’m all over the place, and I don’t have my things all together. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I feel totally unqualified.

If I’m honest, I feel a great deal of pressure. Whether it’s real, or imagined, I feel like alot of people are watching and waiting. {Even though it drives me nuts...thank you!}

If I’m honest, I really miss Liberia...especially the people!

If I’m honest, I am desperate for community--people to share life with. People to laugh, cry, hope, dream and grow with.

If I’m brutally honest, I don’t want to do it alone. I want a partner to share it with.

If I’m honest, I need your prayers! I feel like I’m quickly approaching a crossroads. Actually, I know I’m there already. It’s time to get with the program, to do this...or not do this. It’s overwhelming.

If I’m honest, I hope that you’ll join me. I cannot do this alone. There is so much praying and planning and work to be done...and I need you! {But don’t all raise your hands at once, because right now, I just need your prayers! I’ll let you know when it’s time.}

If I’m honest...really honest...I’m standing on the ledge, and I just can’t jump. It’s frustrating--I know God is faithful...He’s been faithful time and time again. I can also see down the road and it’s SO good--I’m living purposefully and lives are being changed...but it’s still hard....and that’s ok.

If I’m honest, sometimes you just have to be real and honest with the people around you, and this is my ‘safe place’ to do that...where I won’t just start thank you for listening!

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